I met Mike in the fall of 1991 at a college bible study group that a college friend had invited me to attend.  I spotted Mike from across the room and was very taken by how his eyes lit up when he smiled.  Our eyes met and I knew he was someone special....or so I thought.....

We became good friends first, and I confided in him about what the guy I was with before him did to me, along with what my uncle did and was still doing at the time.  He swore that he would never treat me in that manner, and I believed him.

  Things were going really well, and on valentine's day 1992 we became an official couple.  I was on cloud 9!!  We were very happy for 4 months before the abuse began.  At first it was subtle: a joke here, an insult there.  I let him know how much they hurt me, but he said I was just being sensitive.  When we were out with the church group he would treat me like a princess for awhile, but he eventually started being mean in front of them....and THEY SUPPORTED HIM!!  I felt totally alone!!  He believed that the man was king of the household and that a woman's place was at home cleaning and having babies.  I was very offended by this.  His sister in law even paid a visit to my home to try to train me on how to be a proper girlfriend and wife.  I still had some spirit at that time and let her know that that wouldn't work for me.

  As time went on the abuse only got worse!!  After he asked my parents for my hand in marriage things got really bad!!  He started the name calling, calling me several times a day to make sure I was at home, showing up a lot earlier than he said he would be there.  He would open and read any unopened snail mail, read opened letters, reread any e-mail and chats I may have had going on before he got there (I had to sneak online time!!).  He forbid me from talking to any other guys even though I was totally faithful to him.  This was difficult since all my life I have mainly had friends that were male.  If I was on the computer when he got there he would read over my shoulder.

  I remember the first time he hit me really well.  I had arrived home half an hour late from a trip to the mall with my mom.  I didn't drive, so I was at her mercy.  When we arrived home I saw him waiting in his car, and the expression on his face sent chills down my spine.  When he saw me he bolted out of his car and walked really quickly in my direction.  My mom was inside by this time, so I knew I wasn't safe.  I couldn't exactly get away from him since he had me blocked (I was 5'6" and 115 lbs, he was 5'10" and 410 lbs).  I looked at the ground when he demanded to know where I was, and in a small voice I explained that we had been where I said I would be, but that we had lost track of time.  He replied that I should be on time from then on or else I wasn't allowed to go anywhere anymore without him.  As soon as I got the words out I felt the back of his hand across my face.  It stung, and the tears came instantly in full force.  I couldn't understand how someone who said he loved me could hurt me.  He apologized instantly and said that if I had just been on time he wouldn't have had to do that.  I nodded and promised to be good.

  Pretty soon I was getting hit for just breathing it seemed like, and almost every time I saw him.  I started to get a sick feeling when I knew he would be coming over.

  To everyone around me he was the perfect guy: attentive, polite, well educated (he had a Bachelor's degree in hazardous waste material and was OSHA trained, while I never completed college.  He always held this over my head), treated me well most the time in the company of others.  Behind closed doors though, he was the opposite.  He was always accusing me of cheating on him (I am always faithful to whomever I am with.  Come to find out he was cheating with me with a girl he went to college with.  He accompanied her to planned parenthood), violent and otherwise unpleasant.  He even threw my kitten across the room for biting him when he was attacking me one time.  My kitten is now my 13 year old kitty.  :)  He would find any reason to fight. I always tried to say as little as possible, but that never seemed to help.  He would hit with whatever was readily available: his hand, a fish, steel toed boots, belt, or anything else that was close by.  I would try to get away, but was never very successful.  I was constantly wearing a wrist brace, and Maybelline was making a fortune off of me thanks to my constant bruises and black eyes.  In addition to the beatings he also raped me on several occasions, always asking if he had just forced me to do stuff. 

  One time he even kidnapped me for the weekend so we could attend a camp out with the church group.  I didn't want to go and told him to have a good time.  He packed my bag, then proceeded to drag me kicking and screaming out the door.  My mom said she felt horrible seeing me treated that way, and many times after he would leave for the night I would be in tears and have to cover up the real reason I was crying.  I hated that!! 

  He took my entire life's savings, kept me in a freezing lake for 3 hours, made me pee in a Styrofoam cup while he watched because he wouldn't stop at a rest area (I can't look at those cups without remembering), threw me on the icy pavement (I have a permanently fractured tailbone), floating kneecap from being thrown, flopped down by my head in order to wake me up on the nights he stayed over, forced me to hold his gun a few times against my will, and choked me.  I left him after he choked me.  I explained why, but nonetheless he cried, saying that he didn't understand.  We had been together for 3 years.  I was 22,but I felt like I was 90,and was a shell of my former self.

  I left Mike on Sept. 14,1994 and haven't looked back.  I did see him 8 years ago when I was on my way somewhere, and a few times at work but by then had changed appearances so I am sure he was wondering if it was really me.  I have come to realize that I didn't cause or deserve the treatment I got from him.  I didn't ask to be beaten.  I asked to be loved and didn't get that love, so I did what I had to do in order to survive.  Today I am very confident and happy and am working towards making my dreams happen that he said I wasn't smart enough to do.  I thank God each day that I'm here and take time to enjoy and notice the small things around me, as well as do something nice for myself each night.  It may just be computer time or a facial, but it's MY time to do what I want when I want.  I do not know if I will ever get with another man at this point.  I am enjoying my freedom and just want time to be myself and to be the best mother to my almost 7 year old daughter that I can be.  Just remember that when there seems to be no hope, God is watching you and is will help you.  Where there's a will there's a way.  That saying may sound trivial, but it's true!!