The Making of a Domestic Violence Victim, and How I broke the Cycle for My family

 

This is my story in its' entirety.  I pray that it helps save someone from the awful affects of Domestic Violence.

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A little about my past

 I grew up the youngest of three children (and the only girl) in a family filled with unintentional abuse.  Not that my parents were bad people, they were great people, however stuck with out the knowledge that we as mothers today have.  There were little resources for suffering parents.  The love they shared could never be duplicated.  I was magical.  The kind of  love that the rest of the world dreams of having.  However, my mother was a very sick woman, with Bi-Polar (manic depression).  The abuse I suffered I know as an adult was NOT intentional. Unfortunately for me my mother knew not of what she was doing, and raising children the best that she could, while not being able to care for herself.  I give her my respect for doing for her children even in the worst of times.  She is the reason I am, who I am today.  I love her, respect her, and thank her from the soul of my being for being who she is, and for being my mother.  My father: God I Love Him and miss him so much since he passed in July of 1999.  He was a very strong, family man that held high morals that were respected by all.  During my mothers 20 year bout with her uncontrollable illness, he was the one that held the family together.  He loved her deeply.  However, due to her constant instability, the abuse was issued, again not by her hands, but as a result of having such a horrible illness.  I have as an adult forgiven her for her actions, and harbor no feelings of negativity towards her.  She had 72, yes 72 shock treatments during my lifetime. 

Also raised by my grandmother, whom I will forever admire for her strength, was my childhood savior.  She lived with us, and while my mother was "away", which is about for 6 months every year since my birth, she would take over the house.  Anyway...she is the one who taught me that my mother was sick, and not bad.  She also taught me that my father was doing the very best he could, and that together they loved me very much.  There was NEVER any kind of Domestic Violence in my home.  That is not what I was taught.

 

What started the CYCLE OF VIOLENCE for me?

 

At the age of 14 I had my first sexual experience.  Not by choice, or at least mine anyway.....My mother's brother, chose to rob me of my childhood, and purity.  He also had three children of his own and a wife.  Long and short, No charges were filed due to the fact that my mother could not handle it.  And I could not handle the feeling of creating a storm in the house by having him prosecuted.

(Having her brother put away was not an option for me)  Although my father and my mothers siblings "took care of it".  My parents did confront him, and placed me in counseling.  His children remained with him, abused, as well until the day he died.  I firmly believe that it was this experience that had changed me forever.  That is when I shut down.  I choose to turn to men for any and all needs of mine after that point.  I didn't care about repercussions, as long as my personal emotional needs at the time were filled.  Not that I even knew what my needs were, just knew that I wanted to be away from my dysfunctional family.  At that time I had no idea what any kind of a normal, healthy relationship looked like.

 

THE CYCLE HAS STARTED: 

My prelude to serious abuse

Abuser #1:  I began the relationship when I was 14.  I dated him throughout high school.  Yes he hit me, on several occasions, or whenever I acted out of "the norm" for him.  I loved him, I thought.  We both had similar backgrounds and we really identified with each other.  As long as I did, looked, and felt the way he wanted me to all was well.  Any other time or when I had an opinion of my own, then all bets were off.  Although after each and every encounter with him physically, he would reassure me that he did not mean it, and he loved me.  At the time I thought it to be true.  At least I had some good times with him, and the fact that I could be at his house instead of mine was worth the sacrifice, after all.....he loved me!  The relationship ended when he was arrested for beating me and his other girlfriend up at the same time.  Although I always thought that he would never do that to me (I mean cheat)....he did.  I just came there on the wrong day!  The relationship ended and I ended up in the hospital, not from the beating though, from the "withdraw" of the relationship.  I thought I was going to die without him in my life....even though I was realizing already that he was an abuser, I still thought that I needed him.  Today I know different!

I was not ready to learn....didn't even know where I went wrong, just knew that by that time my father was very ill with cancer, and my mother was doing all she could do to keep it together herself.  I was going to have to take care of myself and get out of my parents house.  It was too much for me to handle.  I did, that is when I met.........

 

Abuser #2:  He was beautiful to the eye, we had great sex, and he had a little girl from a prior.  He was also 10 years my senior.  Didn't know it at the time but again found out the hard way that he was abusive as well.  That story is too long to type up now, so just take my word for it!  It was as dysfunctional as you could imagine.  It was filled with all kinds of abuse; physical, mental, emotional, and sexual.  I knew that it was not good for me, although I also loved him, I left him with the hopes of finding true love.  Thinking back, I was in love with the idea of being in love.

 

THE CYCLE CONTINUES ONLY WORSE, FAR WORSE THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED

 

Abuser #3:  That is when I met my next love...... He was my boss....took a waitress job in a restaurant that he was running.  He had scars on his face from acne.  "I got it!"  I thought.  His faults were on the outside I thought.....thinking that because of the horrible acne problem he suffered as a child, he would be a loving teddy bear inside.  That is what I wanted.  He was a big 270lbs, but he was sweet as hell.  Wined and dined me to death.  I loved it!  All the attention he was giving me was great!!  I was his world!!  Finally I found the one!!  Or so I thought....we became very close very quick.  I loved him.. he was the best thing that ever came my way...he was also 12 years my senior, and had money.....alot of money I thought.  We dated and quickly moved in together.  Became engaged, and then 3 months later I was pregnant with my first child.  That is when my world crumbled.  

The abuse started........my friends knew it, my family knew it, everyone knew, but me!!!!  It was slow at first, and not very physical, more emotional than anything.  He would tell me what to do, and not to do.  If I didn't agree, there would be some kind of repercussion, usually a verbal assault.  It wasn't until we pushed up the wedding date and got married that he hit me for the first time.  I was about 6 months pregnant with my first child, and we had a fight in the hallway.  Can't remember what I said that triggered the act of violence, but he spit in my face and slapped me in the cheek.  I was trapped, trapped so bad in this relationship that at times it was hard for me to breathe, my nerves started working over time, the fear was setting in.  I was confused, ashamed, and loosing whatever self esteem that I managed to save along the way.  He would beat me down emotionally every day, we would argue constantly, as I was trying my hardest to change him.  I thought that if I could love him a little more, if I could be a little more understanding, then he would see the gem that he really had, and change his ways.  This at the time was my belief system.  I continued to stay in the marriage knowing damn well that something was very wrong there.  It was already too late for me.  I was now stuck though (or so I thought).  On the outside things were looking pretty normal to the naked eye.  We had 2 really nice cars, and just bought our first home, which was also beautiful.  I thought at the time that I was worth the trade off.  OOPS!!! Getting sick now every day, throwing up.  Something is wrong I thought.  God I feel sick.  I was thinking that there was no way that I could be pregnant since I was breastfeeding 24/7.  My first son was only a few months old.  Went to the store and got a pregnancy test.......

OMG I am pregnant AGAIN!!......I cried for the nine months that I carried my second child.  It took every minute of that pregnancy, right up until the birth to get ready for baby #2.  I knew that I was now forever trapped in this marriage, no matter how bad it was, I was in it for the long haul. We were very deep into the abuse by that time, and in order for me to make it, I learned to conform to his every wish.  I did everything just like the way he wanted.  I looked, spoke, dressed, said, slept, shopped, drove, and dreamed, exactly how he trained me to.  My kids were young I thought, and by the time they understood what was going on I would have them out of there.  I promised myself this.  For their sakes.... I wasn't going to allow this behavior to continue.  There were times that I had even left for a few days, thinking that a "wake up" call was needed for him to realize that he was destroying our marriage.  I gave him a few times, however as they say, the cycle of violence continued.  The turmoil I found myself in daily was almost unbearable... however, I was too scared to leave for good.  He had the money, he had the cars, he had everything....and made sure whenever we fought that I had no access to any of it.  It was the norm in my house to loose the keys, phone, credit cards, checkbook, cars, t.v. whenever I made him angry.  That I guess was his way of proving that I needed him.  I knew that he was sick by this time, that there was something very wrong here.  That he wasn't the monster in my closet, that he was a very sick man.  I was going to fix him!!!!

 

Now that I figured out the problem, I was going to find a solution.

 

After a series of the "norm", we talked about some of his bizarre behavior....things he would do that was normal like sit in front of the computer for days starring at the monitor, driving people off the road, these crying spells that lasted for hours, and a whole pot of other very weird stuff.  We agreed that he needed some kind of help.  He realized that his own behavior was a little off, and that I was going to really leave.  We took him to a doctor, now deep inside I knew what the problem was, and because of my past history, I thought and felt it was my duty to stand by him now since he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder.  Since I experienced this in my life I was now an expert I thought.  No problem, get him some meds and all will be well.  I had the patience that was needed to help HIM with his problem, never realizing that he didn't want any help.  He was going to get it no matter what!  The torture continued.  I stayed.  I was starting treatments again for endometriosis, was going to go through a medically induced false pregnancy, and went on the meds (I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 14).  

 

My Father was very ill by this point, now his heart was going.  He was put into the hospital and transferred a few days later to NYU.  I went there with my entire family, and made the fatal error of asking my husband to take care of the kids for me.  See, he thought that the kids were all my responsibility, he never helped in any way with them, I was the sole care giver of them from day one.  I knew in my heart that he couldn't be trusted, since there were prior incidences of abuse with him and the children.  He couldn't handle them, they were always in the way.  But I had no choice, my Father was dying, and I had to go.  I was accused by him of abandoning him and my children.  This really made him angry, how dare I go away for a few days and leave him with the kids.  That was not HIS job, and furthermore I was with my family that he HATED so much.  He felt that I chose them over him, never understanding that my Father was truly dying.

I was staying in the hospital with my family........He called and refused to take care of the children any longer.  I, from NY made arrangements for a friend to come and get the children, in order to keep them safe.  After all, I was wrong for leaving in the first place, and any harm to them, would be my fault he told me...In short, my Father died a day later.

I was devastated!!!!  A complete wreck.  I drove back to NJ from NY and got my kids and went home to a horrible battle with my husband.  I wanted to leave so bad, my world was completely falling apart, and now my Father, the one who kept me going for so long was dead.  Now there was no hope for me getting out of this.....I again was scared, and still on punishment for going to NY with the family!!!  It couldn't be any worse, or so I thought........Feeling sick again........my nerves I thought, just buried my Father, couldn't be pregnant since I was on meds for endometriosis, didn't have sex in over a month, yet sick again.  You know, throwing up in the am, feeling like crap all the time.......under suggestion from my Aunt, I went and got a 12 pack and a pregnancy test, just because..........

OMG I am pregnant again!!!!  OMG I thought, knowing now that the marriage was in despair, I was faced with a decision, should I keep it or not???  I knew that if I kept the pregnancy, that I would eventually be raising 3 kids on my own, whether I stayed in the marriage or not!  

I was SCARED.  I shouldn't have been able to conceive since the Danzol (med for false pregnancy) should have stopped my ovulation all together......I was mad, and scared.  My head was spinning, I can not explain the fear that I was carrying around with me.  I was paralyzed with fear!    I was lost, couldn't think, couldn't keep a thought straight, and too afraid to do anything.  The abuse continued through out the pregnancy, and I finally gave birth....The sweetest, most beautiful little girl in the world!!!  She was perfect, but she was his!!!!!

 

SEEING THE CYCLE NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME

 

During my final pregnancy, I had made a commitment to my children and God, that I knew that this abuse was wrong and I was going to break the cycle and get out.  I knew that at any moment he was going to loose it for good, and kill me.  I felt it deep inside, it was my gut!!!!  I knew that something had to change..... I HAD TO CHANGE, not for me but for the kids.

My Mother had offered to come home from the hospital with us, and stay at our house for a few to help me with the new baby.  She was willing to stay for weeks, if needed.  She parked her RV in the driveway, prepared to help us in any way necessary.  He never came back after I had the baby or any of the other children for that matter.  This time my Mother drove me home where we waited for him in the driveway for an hour before he came home with the keys after a night of smoking crack with his buddies.  The night that I came home from the hospital after giving birth to my daughter, my husband beat me up for the last time!!!!

He busted my tail bone by throwing me over bar stools in the house, because I fell asleep with the TV on!!!  I disturbed his sleep, and now I had to pay!  And I did, heavily!!!!  After the beating he took the phones, keys, money, etc., etc..... And left!

I was alone...me and the 3 kids, and my Mother....Again I was scared, afraid, terribly afraid...I left with the kids as soon as he came back the next day.  Determined not to take this anymore.  I contacted the "Providence House", and began counseling.  I stayed with my brother.  Kids and all.  We were there for 6 months.  During that time my husband began meds, and therapy of his own.  He was determined to win me back.  He missed me...I wanted him to be sorry, he was.  I wanted him to get help.  He did....and I was still afraid....I went back for the last time..........

 

I BROKE THE CYCLE 

(or so I thought)

 

Stayed right up until my daughter's first b-day!!  He woke that morning and threatened to kill my oldest son.  That was IT!!

I listened to my oldest son run in fear, I was laying in the bed, too afraid to say anything, so I waited, waited for him to go back to sleep....then I prayed.  I mean I prayed very hard, begged God to give me the strength to get out of the bed and get my kids and get out of there.  I waited until he started to snore, scared, very scared, I got out of the bed, crept up the stairs, and one by one I loaded the car with the kids.  Grabbed the cell, some money out of his wallet that was lying on the kitchen counter, and a few credit cards....and all the records I could grab....I was smart about it I knew that the battle was beginning for me......I left........

 

LET THE STALKING BEGIN

 

I went to my brothers, determined that the violence was going to stop in my life.  I made a life choice not to be a victim any longer.  I was not going to allow this abuse to my kids.  If I wanted to be an ass and stay fine, but I knew better, for the sake of my children, I had to pull it together and be a Mother.  A REAL Mother!  They cycle of violence stopped right there on the spot!!!!

I was determined that no matter how bad it got I was not going back.....The fight for my life has begun.  He was very angry, unstable, and desperate to have his trophy back.  He was determined!

I went and got another temporary RO on him (I had done that in the past, but always dropped them).  He violated it 3 times before we even went to court for the final RO.  

 

RUNNING FOR MY LIFE AND THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN

 

I was on the run, from house to house, person to person......he was now on a mission, he was going to kill me, because our marriage vows said "till death do us part".....he took those words very seriously.....and I knew that.  The things that he began doing were almost unimaginable.  He did any and all things that he could to stalk me, find me, and threaten me.  He called Children's Protective Services in two different states with the hopes of me giving up and caving under the pressure.  He filed false police reports against me.  He filed false police reports against anyone that would house me and my children, and he forced me and the kids into Domestic Violence Shelters in order to stay safe....I went into formal hiding after he found us at another friends house.  He filed false charges against her as well.  It was his pattern, if he could get whomever was housing me to kick me out then his chances were better at me finally coming home to him.  I went into formal hiding for the first time.  Spent 45 days in a shelter in AC.  Spent my time there learning EVERYTHING I could about DV, and the legal system.  I spent as much time as possible exploring my options, praying, and such.  My "X" found us at the shelter, although he never went there he was calling it demanding to let them talk to HIS WIFE!!!  They moved me into another shelter and we stayed there for another 40 days.

 

TIME FOR ME TO CHANGE MY THINKING AND GET SMART QUICK

 

I continued counseling, and praying, and was determined, just as I am today, to stay violence free.  At any cost I was not going down without a fight!!!  You see, it took me a while to finally understand that he was sick, never going to change, and that I could no longer help him.  I knew for the first time that it was up to ME to change things.... I had to start my changing, ME, and my thinking, since I was finally able to do it for myself.  I knew that I had to become very smart very quick or he was going to win.  I knew that I needed to be strong, that if there was a chance that he would get me he would.  I started taping phone calls, and hung out at the police department often.  I reported each and every attempt of contact he made, knowing that it was just making him more furious with each time I violated him.  I knew that it wasn't going to be easy; I knew that I was in real danger, and then I found out that the Legal System was in desperate need for a change.  I was finding out that in order for me to ever be free, the system had to be changed.  I knew that the cards were still in his favor.  Even though he was a repeat offender at this point, the laws did not allow for him to be STOPPED!!!!

I sold everything I had in order to feed the kids and keep gas in the car.  I cashed in ALL of my children's savings bonds, and sold me $10k wedding set for $600.00.  But we were still alive.  Anyway....I made the decision that since I had no money, and no where to go after the shelters, that even though I was afraid there were no more options for me, I had to exercise my right to have custody, of the marital home.  There was no where left for me to go.  This WAS NOT what I wanted to do, since I knew that my safety would be compromised, but again the "SYSTEM" had nothing in place for people in my situation.  So off I went.  Went to the court again, made sure that I still had the rights to my house, made sure that he would have to turn the house over to me.  With kids in tow, we went to the Police and got an escort.

GOD I WAS SCARED!!!!!!!

He was removed from the home, and we moved back in.  He had been using my home to house all the friends that he met in the mental hospital (he was put there after a suicide attempt).

 

HE CAME AGAIN TO HURT US OR KILL US

The house was a mess, but at least we had a home again.  My Aunt went and bought sheets for the kids beds, and we went to get them.  This was the first day after I came out of hiding....we returned home, and I began to make the beds up for the kids........that is when I heard the horrific banging at the back door............OMG it was him!!  He proceeded to bust out the windows in the back of the house.  I grabbed my children and ran out the front door, we ran across the street to the neighbor and called 911.  We watched my "X" DESTROY  my entire house, and everything in it.  He ripped the interface off the side of the house, and the telephone wires.  He destroyed EVERYTHING!!!!

I again went into hiding until he was caught a few days later.  My "X" husband has had multiple violations to the RO, has hurt me, and his children.  He has finally taken anything tangible that he could from us.  In his mind, he had WON.  The sad truth is that he did.  The consequences for his actions can not measure to the damage he has created.  To this very day, I am fighting for my safety and freedom from this man.